Every Day is Wonderful... well optimistically

My little man will be 6 months old before I know it... that's 1/2 a year! Holy Crap!! There are so many little things that are so precious so far:
When he was just born he would stretch his little body and crane his neck til he got comfortable.
He contorts his body in every possible way to be able to get his feet in his mouth.
He giggles when he sees himself in the mirror during his bath time.
In the mornings when I say "we're at billie's" he gets the biggest smile.
He wants my phone every time I'm on it... tries chewing on it.
He can play for long periods of time on his own but then he has this sound that he makes when he wants to make sure that I'm still in the room with him.
When it's nap time cuddling with my lil man on the couch is my favorite place to be.

On the days where I am so exhausted and burnt out and I just want to close my eyes and pretend I have 5 minutes of peace and quite I open my eyes and see the smile and curiosity in my little mans face and realize that I only get one shot at this thing called parenthood. That there are things that I could do/or not do for that matter, that could affect him for the rest of his life and I have to remember that he is my life now, and no matter how much I think I "need" some me time... Toby truly NEEDS me.

Life with Toby

On Monday our little man will be 5 months old. Today I saw some babies that were newborns and it's so hard to believe that he was that small at one point. It seems like ages ago, that our lives did not include Toby. But, we've adjusted and still we continue to adjust. Griffin has been amazing with Toby, he is helpful whenever he is asked, and makes Toby laugh more than any one else in the family. Toby loves his time at Gramma Billies. He laughs when I drop him off and and is laughing when I pick him up.
Sleeping Habits: He still gets up a couple times each night, often with 3 hour chunks at a time. I'm praying for the day that he sleeps for 6 hour chunk. We started rice cereal about an hour before bedtime hoping that will effect the amount/way that he sleeps. So far I don't think that it has, but maybe I'm so exhausted I don't notice. He naps like clockwork during the day though so if I want to try to take advantage of that opportunity I can.
Eating Habits: He's a strong hungry boy. He eats with a purpose and falls asleep almost every single time he eats. I'm nervous that this will come back to haunt me because eventually I won't be breastfeeding anymore and if that's what puts him to sleep and we don't do it anymore... not happy at bed time!

I'm working on trying to figure out how to get him to lay down at night without crying non stop without breast feeding him to sleep. But for my sanity, I am waiting for Tyler to get home so that we can share the crying/hard nights while we teach him how to sooth himself to sleep. I just feel like it having two parents tackling the hard stuff is going to be easier on me and stress.

There are nights as tired as I am I just sit there and watch him sleep, or when he's crying I can't help but laugh.

Rice Cereal

Tonight was Toby's first experience with rice cereal in the hopes that he will sleep for longer stretches at night. I used a bowl and a rubber covered spoon and got it all ready to go. Toby took right to it. He in fact got mad when when the spoon didn't get to his mouth quick enough! Tyler was underway so we set up Skype so that he and Grammy Mar could be part of it all the way on the east coast. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he will sleep through the entire night tonight and that this will be the "magic" thing that will help him sleep longer at night. I can't believe my little guy is almost 5 months old. He has recently discovered his feet and are grabbing them and playing with them, and so excited when he realizes again that they are his feet! He loves his time at Billies and laughs when you ask him if he got to see Billie that day. He's vibrant and full of life, smart and full of personality. I think that when he's 5 years old we're gonna have a little ball of energy and challenge on our hands because he's gonna want to know about everything and go everything and be everything and explore everything. Parenthood is such a new thing every single day, and just when you think you've got it all figured out, there's something new that pops up.

Milestones

Toby rolled over from his front to his back the other day. And it struck me... how quickly these things go. Just a few months ago he was a sleeping eating little creature that was trying to figure out all the small things. To the curious little guy that he is now. When we eat dinner he tries to grab at my plate, my fork, my cup anything he can get his hands on. He wants to grab and feel and see EVERYTHING! He has started this new thing when he's in the bath. He sticks his foot as high up in the air as his little body will let him and waits for me to pour water over his foot. He will leave it in the air until I pour water over it and then he just stares at the water as it covers his foot. He cries when he's tired, he cries when he's hungry, and he cries when he thinks that maybe I forgot about him laying on his mat playing. He's got so many cute things going on right now that when it's 3 in the morning, I haven't slept for longer that 45 minute stretches because he's struggling with the sleep thing and all I want is to crawl into bed, throw the covers over my head, and sleep for about 5 hours (I would kill for 5 straight hours of sleep, this coming from a woman who used to need like 11 hours of sleep a night). Then I remember that soon he'll be asking to go ride his trike around the driveway, or wanting a ice cream bar, and my little boy will grow up to be a man before I know it. I look at Griff and I look at Toby, as I stand next to my husband, and I realize that this... this thing we call family is really the core foundation to life, to everything. That without this solid foundation in our lives, everything else becomes so much more difficult. I only wish that everyone could have a family full of love and support, and commitment to each other that I share in my family. Life is not just about what I want to do on the weekend anymore, it's not about things that a while back seemed so important... now I look at the needs of Griff and the needs of Toby and those matter so much more because I know they depend on me. Just like I depended on my parents.

Life with out the Hubby

Well I've officially survived the first week without Tyler being around. The Coast Guard has claimed him once again. Thankfully we are still able to talk on the phone while they are only in Baltimore getting the boat ready to be back in the water. Skype has been a true blessing because Tyler is able to still see Toby and Toby (though I am not sure he really fully realizes what's going on) is still able to see his daddy. I have a new found respect for single mothers truly. Realizing that I am on my own for the most part (although Griff is a tremendous help) I have so much more respect for the women, and teens that do this on their own. I am so blessed with the resources that I have, financially and emotionally that I can't imagine doing it one my own. Toby is going to be 4 months here shortly (just two more weeks) and he's growing so much every day it seems. He now sits in his play thing in the kitchen with me while I cook dinner. And he almost no longer fits in the top part of his bathtub, which when he was born he was tiny in it. Now he big ol' legs splash water all over the place and he likes to grab at the red cup that I use to scoop water in and dump on him. The other night he grabbed the empty cup from me and put it up to his mouth like he was drinking from it. It was very cute because this big ol' cup with his tiny little hands, and his precious lips trying to suck on the edge of the cup.

Parenthood truly is like nothing else in this world. My perspective at work has changed, because when I look at Toby I think about all the hopes and dreams and good things that I want for him. I had the realization one day that the students that I work with, their parents probably had the same thoughts about hopes and dreams for their kids that I work with now. It changed the way I look at the students that I work with and the approach that I want to take in my counseling techniques. As my principal Mr. Lockett says "being a parent changes everything" and boy does it ever. But I would not rather find myself on any other ride right now in life. As exhausted as I am, and as hard as it is not being at work a full day, and having to let go of so many responsibilities, and knowing that I am in fact replaceable at what I do... I look at my little Toby, and I realize I have more time with Griff and all the sudden some things don't matter as much as they did before, and it's easier to let go of things I didn't ever think I would be able to let go. Not to mention my house is a disaster, the laundry hasn't been done in days, the living room looks like world war 3 with burp rags, toys, and everything else in the house strewn across the floor and couches. But that's okay because I've got everything I need under this roof. And I have never been happier (now if I could just have my husband back from the Coast Guard sooner, than later, I would be 100% content)!

The Little Things....

There are so many moments in my day where I just want to sit and watch what my little boy does. Some of my favorite things about having him around:
1. The way he smiles as he is falling asleep, warm and bundled up with his mommy, he looks at me as his eyes drift closed and smiles. And it is a beautiful smile.
2. When he wakes up from a nap and he stretches his arms above his head but his little butt is still curved like he was sitting and he grunts little grunts as he stretches.
3. When we take him out of his swaddle in the mornings he stretches both arms over his head in a triumphant "freedom" stretch.
4. After getting up with him all night, his 5:30 am cry I nudge Ty and ask him to go get him. I listen to Toby cry as Ty changes his diaper and here they come through the door, his little head tucked into Tyler's neck as Toby is still whimpering, his little diaper is all he is wearing. He lays down next to me to eat and as he drifts back to sleep I love to just lay there and look at my little boy.
5. Watching him laugh at Griff, and watch Griff where ever he goes... but more so watching Griff play with Toby.
6. The way his little lip tucks into his mouth and his eyebrows furrow before he gets all pissed off because he is hungry.
7. Watching Toby sit on his daddy's lap, and I swear he is the happiest most content little boy I have ever seen.
8. One time we put him in the bath and he started to pee right afterward. We grabbed the towel and started to pull him out and the look that he gave Tyler we he lifted Toby out of the bath is one of those looks I would have killed to catch it on camera. He proceeded to give us his "pissed off" cry until we got the bath water switched out and put him back in the tub.
9. The way he lays in bed with us in the morning and giggles at every little thing or stares off all around him with a look of wonder and amazement at what he is seeing like he is seeing it for the first time.
10. The way he looks into my eyes while I talked to him and when he talks back. It is true genuine love.

Toby's First day of being with the Baby Sitter

So Today was the first time that I had to take Toby to Billie's. Now even though Billie is an amazing person and I am totally comfortable with her as our day care provider I couldn't help but feel the "mommy guilt" as I like to call it about leaving my little boy so I could go to work. Thank goodness I have a job that involves changing the lives of our youth or I think I would really hate myself if I was leaving my little boy instead of staying and playing with him all day. This morning Griff was such a great help by hooking Toby into his car seat and then rode with me to drop him off comforting me as I was being a crazy mom crying as we drove away. He sat in the passengers seat not making fun of me but making me laugh. I'm so lucky to have such a great 13 year old. His mother did so good with him, she raised such a kind and loving kid.

Course nothing beats coming home, pulling around the corner into our street and seeing my husband carrying my baby boy while checking the mail. So I successfully survived one of the hardest days of being a parent "SO FAR". Now to conquer working three full days this week while having my baby boy at the babysitters.

Oh and never did I think that I would find myself one day not bothered by the fact my shoulder is covered with baby spit up, I haven't had anything to eat since breakfast, and the house is a mess... but that's all okay because I'm with my family.